22.6.12

Top ten ways to lose a BJJ/Grappling Mat Friend!


We all have pet peeves and some of them are BJJ / grappling related. Here are 10 of mine, in ascending order of seriousness:

10.                        12 guard-jumps in under 4 minutes
This is not a biggie, which is why it’s down at number 10. Sometimes BJJ players like to practice one particular skill over and over which is healthy, albeit a little annoying to the training partner if he doesn’t know what you are doing. I was once rolling with someone and we were told to start from standing. He jumped guard. I stayed standing and proceeded to open his guard. As soon as I did, he scooted back, stood up, got a grip then jumped guard again. I respect his dedication now and understand that that one round did wonders for my guard opening and stability when standing inside closed guard. At the time, however, I thought he was a nutter! 

9.     Sweaty north south for the full round
Years ago I had the pleasure to spending an entire round under North South. I was a fresh BJJ blue belt and my training “partner” was a white belt with many years of wrestling experience under his belt. We started in side control, with me on top. He bridged and rolled me onto my back then moved to North South, and comfortably held me there for the entire 5 minute round. After the round, I thanked him. I have never seen him since. 


8.     Nose compressions
You can’t find my gi lapel or neck to choke me? Oh please face bar me with your forearms across my nose. I don’t mind. It is after all a contact sport and I am a MAN.

You nob rash!




7.     Knee-on-throat
Knee-on-belly’s ugly(er) twin. When you’re KOB is getting threatened, you can switch to the other leg and simply place it on their pectoral muscle (chest) so why do some people choose to put it instead across the throat or even the head (also known as the Skull Ride)? Chest Ride has the same effect and in fact it facilitates sliding across your opponent’s biceps better than the other methods.

6.     Never, ever wash your gi
Come here and give me a good ol’ 6 minute hug you big stink bear you!


5.     Nail scratch
Your nails. The nail clipper. They should meet.


4.     Triangle-fartbar
This, thankfully, is a figment of my imagination. I have seen people get tapped with a triangle, and I’ve heard / smelled a fart or two on the mat over the years, but thankfully I’ve never heard of the two happening at the same time. Don’t do it. There will be consequences.

3.     Elbow-point to the spine in order to open turtle
BJJ players turtle up to avoid getting their guard passed. They sometimes stay longer in a turtled position because they are trying to figure out a way to get back into the game. None of the above is sin or an insult to you or your family so please learn how to break the turtle down without resorting to sharp, pointy elbows in the spine, you douche-bag.




2.     240 deg heel-hooks
No, this is not the UFC you are not Paul Harris (in all fairness, neither is he!) so feel free to get into position for a heel hook but since no money is riding on me tapping, don’t finish it with any vigour. I can hop pretty fast so if you hurt my knee I will catch you and choke you out, cover you in syrup and throw you on an anthill.




1.     Show up with ringworm
The ultimate sin. Yes It’s worse than getting heel hooked because you can’t tap. If I ever see you rolling on the same mat as me with ringworm, I will call you out, shout at you and make sure you leave the mat immediately! Never ever mess with ringworm!

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Liam "The Part Time Grappler" Wandi

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4 comments:

Ronnie Brown said...

Very good, Liam. I especially liked the "triangle fartbar"... classic.

Liam H Wandi said...

Many thanks Ronnie! I don't know why that one has been everyone's favourite down at the Labs ;ppp

Stephen Adams said...

Good list, I agree with them all. Sweaty North/South is no fun especially when they just stay there, yuck

Liam H Wandi said...

Haha. Good one Stephen. Yet another reason I prefer gi to nogi :)